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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves