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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.