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I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!