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That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t