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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.