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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is