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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
u cant spell awesome without me
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.