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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
he who laughs last thinks slow
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.