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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!