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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Redneck Word : debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.