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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.