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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.