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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Being alive is so expensive.