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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.