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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar