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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.