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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today