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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.