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I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.