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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."