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Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Being normal is boring.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.