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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?