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Will be drunk until further notice.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing