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Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.