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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."