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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.