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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Valentines day
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
You had me at 0 mutual friends