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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Haters are my motivators(:
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.