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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.