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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.