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Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever