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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..