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I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.