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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
That moment when being uncool, is cool