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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.