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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!