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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.