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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.