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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I have nothing!
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.