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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
My pants are 75% off.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.