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"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.