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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Carfax but for people
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.