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I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.