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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!