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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.