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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Running behind is my cardio.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.