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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)