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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
High fiving was the original "like".
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.