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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.