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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.