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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Marriage is for quitters
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?