Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake