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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.