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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.