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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.