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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.