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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..