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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.