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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.