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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
What about a To-Don`t List?
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.