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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.