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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.