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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
My problem is that all food is comfort food
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
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The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?