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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss