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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it