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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".