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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn