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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."