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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.