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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!