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I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?