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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Marriage tip: Don`t
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.