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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.