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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....