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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
Home is where the alcohol is.