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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.