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Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?