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Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Iβve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when Iβm actually talking to someone.
For my next trick, Iβll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Fun Things to do : Commenting βnot your bestβ on everybodyβs selfies.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day thereβs a fat woman just waiting to get in.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikesβ¦β¦how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?