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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!