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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.