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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.