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People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.