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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.