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My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.