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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.