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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself