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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.