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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.