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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.