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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.