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Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
really vry funny
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.