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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome