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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?