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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
It´s never to late to be happy
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.