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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…