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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.