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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.