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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.