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Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
My life is just one long improvisation.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Hold boobs not grudges.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."