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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily Iām just unpopular.