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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.