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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!