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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
Will be drunk until further notice.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.