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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels