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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.