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Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Question everything...Or should you?
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.