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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.