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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
drink beer ?? save water
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.