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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.