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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!