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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.