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Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...