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I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...